A Shattered Brain

As our lives pass us by, minute by minute, the clock ticking second by second, we are faced with trials and tribulations, hardships and losses. We can’t find our place with out finding ourselves, our wants and needs. Pushing to grow and survive is always a challenge but the satisfaction with completion in the end is what counts. The tough times never stop, always impacting our day to day activities. Without the stress or the problems a person has to face we could never develop or grow as a human being. 

 

I sit here digging through my own mind. Trying to filter out an understanding, strength to keep going, and a shred of hope that one day I will be accepted. Acceptance .... not from a person, a group, my peers, my co-workers, my family, or even a pack of wolves (which in a way can tie into family and friends...). Acceptance is a universal word that can be applied to many things and situations. What the hell am I talking about here? I’m talking about acceptance of self, the ability to accept who you are and how others perceive you. The ability to accept the actions you take and the decisions you make. The ability to accept the world around you, and that you your self are a part of it.

 

Everyone is guilty of not accepting them selves at one point in their lives. Some less then others. I’m guilty of this, but not in such a... temporary way. Its a constant struggle to find and accept my self. All the complements I get, the praise for being kind hearted, intelligent,  and an oh so great person just flow through one ear and out the other creating a chilly draft in what I perceive as a hallow head. 

 

Perception...The act or faculty of apprehending by means of the senses of the mind; cognition; understanding. So many people, so many personal views, so many different upbringings and beliefs. Its no wonder that people can’t get along can’t come to an understanding. Perception is the key, how we perceive our life and world around us can ultimately decided how we treat others and our selves, how we relate to them, associate with them and even in dire times how we help or accept help from them.

 

Maybe my perception is my sin. I can’t perceive myself as every one else does, and ultimately doesn't allow my hallow mind to come to acceptance of my self. It’s a never ending battle with my mind with no side as a winner. Knowing that I need a better perception of my person yet can’t find or determine why. Such a struggle is wearing me down, the loss is that of a grip on reality and motivation. My drained body urges me to hide away, and stare into space until I wither away and move on. The battle is getting old....... 

 

 

Life is all about perception, this is just a small portion of mine......

I have a new place....an apartment this time. Its going to take my roommates some getting used to since they haven't had a roommate in a while...And I'm going to have to get used to them too...it's going to be interesting...

And of course I knew I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I have been ignoring it for a week, not wanting to think about. Trying to keep myself from getting angry....

I was awarded financial aid. It was enough to cover fall and spring semester at school. but after 2 weeks of trying to accept it and not being able to I finally called the UofU to see what the matter was. Come to find out I was not accepted to the University. My High school GPA was high enough, even though I havn't been in school for 6 years they are still using that as a factor. I had a 2.0 upon graduating, but to be accepted I would have needed to get a 2.6....fucked up. They said they sent me a letter, but I never got it.

My options...

1. I can wait one more year and apply as a non-tradition student and they wont take my high school transcript into consideration. Non-tradition is some one who graduated 7 years before they applied for school. I mean seriously isn't 6 enough???

2. I can apply for SLCC (salt Lake Community College) and take classes there to bring up my GPA and then transfer to the U.

Going to the community college would be ideal since I can just take my generals and transfer to the U directly into the Fine Arts Film program. But I don't have the application fee....then $10 bucks it would take to send my ACT scores too them. And I have to find out some how if my financial aid I was awarded is able to transfer, I have until august to apply for SLCC, I guess Ill just see what I can do......

Just love it....




more cat pictures





Night all

But not in the same way......

The wind flowing through my hair, the constant sound of thunder rolling through the air as the vibration from the harley massages my body. I weave around fallen concrete on the broken highway around mid afternoon. Desolation...Not a single soul in site. Uninhabitable buildings litter the skyline some half fallen, some from memory of my child hood missing entirely. And I continue driving......



Upon waking up after such a dream questions flood my mind. At the time that It presented it self to me, I was still residing in San Antonio. But within the dream I knew where I was, and once I woke I realized that my time in SA was almost done. It was about two years before I left that I had this. I didn't think about it too much during my remaining time in Texas. But now that I'm back in SLC the visions and memory of this dream are coming more and more often, with out warning and no provocation...(is that even the right word?). With all the things I deal with from day to day that are a constant battle in my own mind, this is just another thing that adds to the weight on my back. But of course there is no way for me to know that such a thing can happen (maybe its just me going a little more insane as time passes?) But I decided that I had to write it in here before something does happen. Because its due....

Though with all the details of the dream I understand the main point to think about is the destruction. I feel that I'm not special enough to be a single survivor in an event big enough to wipe out all the people in an entire city, there will be other people, the desolation is not the thing to think about since that just wont happen(why would I even be special enough to see such a thing coming years ahead of time?).I've never driven a harley....and at this point I refuse to buy anything that runs on gas (but I would love to own a harley). I wouldn't be lucky enough to be released by death and have my energy dispersed throughout the universe. Would I be seriously maimed? or left unharmed in order to take part in search and rescue? I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be too damaged beings that that is how my luck goes.


And I know what most people would think after being told about this...."Its just a dream, Nothing will happen." But the fact that I Felt the wind going through my hair and on my face is something for me to note....who knows, maybe its just a sign that I'm slipping further and further into the insanity I have been fighting all these years. But there are events that have happened recently that show that something will more then likely happen such as (most notable) the earthquake in Wells, Nevada. and all the other natural events going on in our world....


o well...heres to preparation...

Complaining and demanding, thinking there word is golden.

"I'm too sick to see the Dr. so just give me some medications..."

"I don't care if he is with other patients want to talk to him now."


Though the tittle of my journal brings the idea of some one not quite right, or mentally unstable. It's more because I thought it sounded cool, I'm a nerd like that. I do have my fair share of "issues", and it is a constant struggle in my life. I don't like speaking about them, I don't' like feeling like I'm whining. Some little EMO bitch sitting in a corner weeping as he cuts numerous gashes in his forearms with a rusty screw driver hopping to get Tetanus. All because he shaved his balls and thinks that everyone hates him for it now.......

Slice

"Oh my god I'm so smooth."

Slice

"There laughing at me, all of them.."

Slice

"I shaved what little facial hair I had with the same razor after words..."

Slice

"I need more shaving cream!"

Slice

"I think I clogged my bathtub."


Ok, enough of that......


The phones at work aren't too busy thank fully. I'm tired of hearing the whinny selfish people I have to talk to everyday.....but I guess I should have some compassion...I mean they are terminally ill....Yeah I'm an asshole.

So I'm still waiting on my financial Aid. I have heard that it takes up to 6 months, school start date will be 8/25/08. Ive already reapplied for the fall semester once I realized that you have to apply for admissions for EVERY semester. I have signed up for about 3/4 of the time. with will be about 8 credit hours a semester. since they consider 12 full time. the will bring my tuition down from the estimated 2,000 with my discount to about 700 hopefully. but I will see......


any way, done now......going to make some music I think....

Ive been an LJ user for a while (spectralflame) and I decided months ago that I just don't like that name. I decided that I didn't want it anymore and I wanted something a little more......me....though I'm not sure whether I'm going to transfer everything to this one or just keep that one as an archive....who knows but I'm sure I will think of something to do with it.

Why abitdark?.....Well because I am ;-), I prefer that darker things in life. And though I get repeated arguments of me being wrong when I say that I'm just not completely right in the head. I may have better control then most, I know that with out that control I have been fighting myself for over the past many years, then I would not be the person everyone compliments. I'm pretty sure that I just wouldn't be a person at all.....

I like to feel that I have a good balance between crazy and rational.....good and evil? 


I have a hard time writing about my self in general, and thus I don't always post a lot. But with the purchase of my new portable word processing and editing machine (my MacBook Pro, yes I'm an apple user....and former employee ;-) then I'm hoping to change my writing habits and so far it has already helped......like a lot....If you would like to know something, then feel free to ask or start a conversation...

I'm sarcastic and I like to cuss....I don't have much respect for Humans in general...but I do understand not everyone is the same, I take everyone at face value.....

I may be crazy, and maybe just a little hate filled at times, but I only bite when asked.....for the most part.

and I am very respectful...